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How to Be a Fake Metaller
Have you ever looked at your metal friends and wished you could be like them? Now, by following these simple steps, you can PRETEND to be just like them. To "ordinary folk" you will be a big tough metaller but to real metallers you will be a fake and a joke! Be careful, they will know. NOTE: This will only show you how to PRETEND to be "Metal". Be prepared for lots of PRETENDING.
Years before undertaking these steps you must make friends with 1 or more metallers. Be amazed at the metal things that they do everyday and that they take as usual, everyday things, headbanging, not washing, wearing unconventional and sometimes dirty clothing, listening to heavy metal very loudly and so on. Wait until you are about 28 to 30 before you even think about starting this. If you have done this then we can begin.
Note: The term Metaller is used loosely to describe Rockers, Punks, Stoners, Grungers and so on. In your eyes we're all the same so it doesn't matter.
Look at your friend's music collection, ask them (because you won't know yourself) which is the heaviest and then buy several T-shirts of those bands.You only need the shirts, you can pretend you listen to the music. NOTE: Pretending is a big part of this so be prepared.
Join Facebook and Bebo, every time your metal friend suggests a metal/rock/punk band or group, accept the suggestion even though you've never heard of half of them.Then, when questioned about liking them, act very defensively, almost aggressive. Make ridiculous comments that show your ignorance and lack of knowledge on the subject, i.e.; when someone describes a certain band as dross, reply with, "I like all kinds of music, even dross", thinking that dross is the name of a band.
Think that wearing the most outrageous T-shirts and getting noticed is what it is all about.Get tattoos that have no meaning to you but will look so cool when "ordinary folk" see them, they will think you are really hard, but what do they know?
Make sure you have a local pub.Make sure that whenever a band is playing you call out only the names of the bands you know your friends listen to because you do not know the names of songs worth listening to. If there is a jukebox, only play Metallica "because every metaller likes them".
If you are in your local and your real metal friends come to visit you for a few pints, don't draw your usual amount of attention to yourself in case you have to prove yourself metal, you won't be able to and will look more of a fool to your metal friends who think you are a fool anyway.The truth is, they are too kind to say something and you are too stubborn or stupid to notice that they know!
Wear your clothes like a uniform.Always dress "rough, scumbag like, hard as nails, ridiculous", even when going to weddings, christenings or funerals. Never deviate from this because people will think you are not a metaller. Try to draw as much attention to your clothes as possible as often as possible. Say things like "Is no one gonna say anything about my T-shirt lads?" or "Look at this. Don't you think it's cool?".
DO NOT LEARN HOW TO HEADBANG!To be a fake metaller, you must be awkward while headbanging. You must not be able to let the music reach inside you and rattle your bones. To be a FAKER, it cannot move you. Only you must move your body stiffly and think you look like your metal friends who are thrashing the shit out of the dance floor. In fact, when they are up there doing their thing, just stand around trying to look hard and drinking.
Take an interest (but don't actually start to study these things and know about their symbolism, just the look is needed) in the symbols you associate with being a metaller, but in reality, they aren't really.Skulls. The Grim Reaper. Monsters. Bad language. Death. Destruction. Etc etc. If possible, try all of these.
Try not to care, you do care but at every opportunity say that you don't.Metallers ARE people so they do in fact care about things. Some things more than others and some people care about somethings more than other people care about them. It doesn't matter for you though because you are only PRETENDING to not care.
Wear lots of jewelry.Rings, chains, badges and such. The more the better. If you don't wear these things, nobody will think you are a metaller.
Decorate your house like a teenager would decorate his/her bedroom.Basically, lots of posters and flags depicting Death and/or monsters and so on should adorn every room in your house. Especially the main room visitors will see. You want them to think that you are "so cool and definitely a metaller".
Think that being a biker is the same as being a metaller, but it's not!It never will be either.
Make sure to neglect to tell anyone that does think you are a metaller that you are in fact a dance head, raver, mix master supreme, disco freak.That you were for a while the same as everyone else. A clone. A sheep. You "fitted in". You had a skinned head and no facial hair. You had a gold chain and tight fitting shirt, smart jeans and smart shoes. You ate healthy food to keep your body looking nice for the ladies.
- To be a fake metaller, try to exaggerate the main characteristics of your metal friends. To be fake, too much is never enough.
- Remember, wearing the uniform and marching to the beat doesn't make you a soldier!
- Make sure you have no shame before undertaking the aforementioned steps.
- Google the lyrics your friends post on Facebook and Bebo to PRETEND (there's that word again) you know and like the band. Things like "Never ending chain of suffusion, my taste is yours and it's easy to see. Look at the clues and taste the hurt you know is true...."
- Know that you will never be what your friends are because you try too hard and end up being and looking ridiculous. You fail because they don't try. They are! They were born that way. It's not a decision they made. They were chosen by the Metal Gods to shine as a beacon and represent their culture. You? You were not. You are fake, but they accept you as a fake because you are fake. You don't understand that statement because you are a fake but we love you all the same!
- You may annoy your real metal friends and find that they have become embarrassed to be associated with you.
Video: Brainiac Alkali Metals
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